Let’s talk regrets. One of the biggest regrets I had when I decided to stop going to church was that I was leaving my girls. Ro-Ro, Princess, Boo-ette, ashley, aShLeY, ASHLEY! It was a thing; I just said her name that way every time I saw her. All my girls had a special nickname. I left in a very calculated way, though. I quit my job as a live-in nanny for one of the families in my church (being for real though, I left for more than just personal, selfish reasons). I resigned from youth ministry and demoted myself to pew-warmer. The following Sunday, I didn’t come back.
Just call me Jonah. I ignored all phone calls and started working at Disneyland. I started a whole other life and did my best to push God out and forget I ever knew Him. One thing that no one knows is how hard it was to just leave my girls. Especially Boo-ette. Leaving Boo-ette hit me the hardest. She was someone who I really tried to invest in. She was someone who really needed to be invested in. She was someone whose mom chose me to mentor her child. I don’t know concretely the effect my leaving had on her, but it weighed on me heavily. For years.
I couldn’t listen to Left-Eye’s No Scrubs rap solo without thinking of her. It’s been over 20 years now and I definitely hear her singing it when the song comes on. Lazy Saturdays were super lazy, not going over to hang out and chat. As the years passed, I thought of her less and less often, but never forgot her completely.
I went back to church ten years later. After a lot of prayer, repentance and tears, my Spirit was rejuvenated. A couple of years later I felt that same tug on my heart leading me into the youth ministry. But I couldn’t. The guilt was tearing me apart and I felt like I didn’t deserve to be there. Sometimes I feel like I kind of snuck my way back in? One day, I volunteered to sit in on their sessions. The next thing you know the current leader was inching his way out toward marriage and other life changes, and I was the leader left standing. I still have no idea how that happened. Many changes later, I’m still involved. I go to youth camp every year, organize them in volunteer areas, and help fundraise. By far my favorite thing about youth ministry is teaching. It sets my soul free.
“Guilt is a gift from Satan,” someone once preached. I won’t deny that all of them and all of this crosses my mind from time to time. I even saw Boo-ette once. By that time she was married and preggo. I wanted to talk to her but I felt ashamed. STILL! I mean, everyone’s moved forward, but I’ve always wondered what “forward” really looked like for everyone over all those years. So yeah, that’s my regret
